Breastfeeding

I was so worried about breastfeeding. Would my overly biopsied left boob do the job. Would it make milk? Would the milk ducts be blocked or would they work? Would it make enough milk for baby?
YES.
It did. I read a nice article while pregnant about a woman who had 5 children including a set of twins, who fed all of them on one breast. (She had a childhood accident involving a bad burn on the other side of her chest.) It was inspiring and left me hopeful.
So it started a bit crazy, my nipple seemed flat and almost inverted. The nurse showed me a nipple cover that would give baby something to grasp onto. I used it for her first 9 1/2 weeks and wanted very much to wean her off of it so that I could more easily breastfeed away from my little corner of the living room. I started to try to wean her as per the lactation consultant's advice, and try it slowly giving her the chance to latch first and then take it away once the milk was flowing. I tried that for a few days once a day and then amped it up to almost every time I fed her and then she refused to use it all. She only wanted the boob. She forced me to go cold turkey! Ack.
But it went very well and as long as I remember to put lanolin lotion onto the nipple after every feeding I am experiencing no adverse effects.
Or is it affects? How am I to know? I have studied the definitions and worked my brain silly and still have no idea if it is effects or affects. Alas.
A few days ago Fred and I introduced Ken and Diana to our favorite breakfast place, Barrone and our favorite classy Goodwill, Goodwill. :) I actually fed baby in the car! Wow, and it worked and we stayed out for longer than 2 hours. It was lovely.
Today, as it is Thanksgiving, we are once again venturing away from the home and I will be feeding baby out. I've never tried the boob cover, so will probably use a bedroom. It's nice that she is such a fast feeder. About 10 minutes is it.

Pregnancy!!! - 20 weeks, 2 days

I suppose after the somber craziness of the post the other day, I should update. The doctor called and none of the biopsies showed cancer, and the skin scraped from the nipple had some bacteria. Which made him rethink the infection hypothesis. So, he put me on antibiotics and we cancelled the follow up "open breast biopsy" for now. Thank the Lord, I was not looking forward to that at all. If the antibiotics work and the boob is no longer swollen, warm to the touch and reddish, then yay! all in the clear. If not, we reschedule the crappy biopsy and keep looking for cancer.

Good news so far.

Going to have another ultrasound on Monday, hope it is still alive, and is still a girl. :)

Pregnancy!!! - 20 weeks

A few weeks ago my left (not the one that had cancer) breast became a bit pink/reddish and felt warm to the touch. I noted to mention it to my OB, but was not that concerned, as I expected craziness in the boob area as pregnancy brings that on.

When I showed her, however, she said it did not look normal. That it looked like a breast that was nursing and had become engorged and infected. She mentioned a CANCER SURGEON, which I thought was weird. We scheduled an ultrasound. Of course the ultrasound people wanted all of my previous MRI and Mammogram results. We were in the midst of acquiring all of that information on CD from my previous institutions as I did more research.

Ah, the anxiety provoking internet.

It seemed that I either had a breast infection, not a big deal and treatable with antibiotics, OR the signs of Inflamable Breast Cancer. That is a bad, BAD cancer that usually has spread by the time you found it and has 25-50% 5 year survival rate, and high recurrence rate. I was very scared.

After getting back in touch with the OB, she suggested that I go straight to the cancer surgeon and look into a biopsy and second opinion since that kind of crappy cancer can really only be seen with a biopsy anyways and the ultrasound would only show "suspicions that need to be followed up on" as every scan seems to do with my history and waste time.

So, I called the surgeon's office yesterday and he made time to see me that same afternoon! He seemed perplexed. He didn't think that it was Inflamable Breast Cancer (which is good, since it has such a bad prognosis) but he didn't think that it was an infection either. The nipple had some crusty stuff on it and was somewhat misshapen. This was abnormal, and possibly a sign of DCIS, an in situ cancer that has not left the ducts or spread and is therefore not nearly as threatening as many other kinds of breast cancer. He said that we should first do a couple biopsies and scrape the nipple (!!! ow) for skin and test those things first. If no cancer is found, then we would do an OPEN BREAST BIOPSY (which sounds really scary, hence the capital letters) in the surgery center (as lactating breasts bleed a lot and he didn't want to do that in the regular office) and then if that was negative, we wouldn't worry. We tentatively scheduled that for next Thursday.

I had the biopsies and nipple scraping today. He must be great at the numbing, because the only part that hurt was the numbing needles (which always hurt, because duh, you're not numbed yet). I was SO worried going in today, that it would hurt like crazy, as all of my other biopsies have. But, I was pleasantly surprised that it did not. Although a few hours later it is starting to hurt.

I'm sick of cancer and boobs and worry. I guess I should get the genetic testing done so that we'll know more about how likely it is to come again as well as how closely to watch the ovaries. I feel like cutting everything out (ovaries) and off (boobs) after baby number 2. The anxiety is a lot to handle.

It has been nice having so many people pray for me though. I let my bible study ladies know, as well as other friends and have felt lots of loving support.

Decision

So, with much thought and weighing and internet searching of the differences between mastectomy and lumpectomy with radiation (which I had) and research of the complications of reconstruction, and all my pros and cons, I think I have decided.

This article, which is an interview with Susan Love, of Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book was particularly convincing:

http://health.discovery.com/centers/cancer/breast-cancer/mastectomy-lumpectomy.html

Basically the research shows that over 20 years, with research on thousands of women, the death rate is the same, whichever choice was made, mastectomy or lumpectomy with radiation. In light of this, there seems to be confusion as to why many doctors are still recommending mastectomies.

Yes, the recurrence in a breast that still exists is possible, but with the attention paid to the breasts after breast cancer, that will be found and dealt with before it could spread.

I decided to keep the girls and move on with my life, try to have babies as soon as possible!

Very relieved.

Pros and Cons

Fred and I went to a coffee shop and began to write down the pros and cons of the prospective double mastectomy and reconstruction. We also are going to go to the Breast Cancer Connections location in Palo Alto to the question and answer sessions of another oncologist and then surgeon and then plastic surgeon to get more questions answered.

So far, here are the pros and cons.

Pros:

There will be less than a 1 percent chance of ever getting breast cancer again, if I keep them, it is a 25-30 percent chance of a recurrence.

If I don't get it again, it cannot metastasize to another location. (we don't think it did from the 2004 cancer as there was no lymph node involvement)

Less recurrent yearly worrying at the mammogram, ultra sound times, no more biopsies.

Since pregnancy spikes estrogen, getting pregnant won't increase my chances of a recurrence without breasts.

Cons:

I have a 70% chance of not getting cancer again.

The mastectomy and reconstruction will hurt, probably much more than the regular yearly checking for breast cancer.

Because I've already had breast cancer, the likelihood that I will find it if it reoccurs is high, because my follow ups are thorough.

I can start now trying to get pregnant instead of recently after a big surgery, my body is pretty healthy now.

I can breast feed with my healthy breast.

There will be multiple potential replacements of the implants, they need to be closely monitored (they could deflate or leak) and every 10-20 years there will need to be updates of the surgery.

The length of surgery and recovery duration is at least 6 months, if the expanders and implants have no infections, and that is really the only kind of reconstruction I could get, not having lots of extra stomach fat.

The complications of the skin on the radiated right side is that it might not be as elastic and might not take to the expanders or implants well, plastic surgeons do not like radiated skin.

Because my cancer was a very rare, slow growing, not often metastasizing type (Mucinous), my prognosis may be better than other breast cancer survivor's.

Crappy Cancer

So I had a lovely (if you call lots of heartfelt tears lovely) time at the Breast Cancer Connection's Conference today. Interesting speeches and talks with other survivors. I thought a lot about my decision and during a session called "writing your way through cancer", this is what I wrote:

The questioning and wondering and pit of my stomach feeling as I consider the pros and cons of my potential upcoming double mastectomy and reconstruction. Purely for proactive reasons. Technically I'm fine now, right?

Whatever fine really is anyway.

How much do the percentages really mean? 25% - 35% chance of a recurrence over the course of my lifetime. I think about the same fatality rate though, double mastectomy versus the lumpectomy and radiated breast I already have because of the high surveillance that is in place.

How to weigh the pain, recovery, length of time for healing, putting off even longer of pregnancy versus the never ending train of MRIs, Mammograms, Ultra Sounds, painful biopsies and the never ending waiting for calls with results.

Why is the decision all mine?

Can't someone help me weigh?

It feels like a lot of responsibility.

Biopsy (Ouch)

So, yesterday I had the suspicious area that my cancer doctor found in June biopsied.

It was a core needle biopsy, which is more conclusive than a fine needle biopsy because it takes out more flesh for the pathology department to pathologize.

Fred and I went to the drugstore to get a Valium and I took it about 40 minutes before the biopsy was to take place, we also stopped at Marshalls to pick up a lavender eye pillow to wear so I would not have to look at the huge needle entering my boob.

I laid on the table and Fred waited in the waiting room (the surgeon said that a husband once, holding his wife's hand fainted while watching a procedure and Fred is not fond of needles). My eye pillow firmly over my eyes and my hand clasping that of a lovely nurse named Katie, I waited skittishly (not sure if the Valium was working) for the numbing needle. It came with a pinch and a growing burning sensation. The surgeon asked if I could feel a pin prick and I could, so she added more lidocaine to the area. Then she nipped a piece of skin off and pushed the large needle into the supposedly numbed area. I heard a staple gun sound and did not have too much pain. That is the noise it makes when they clamp out a bit of your flesh. The second time (I thought there would only be one time, alas) it hurt and I hunched my shoulders up and said "ouch" loudly and wondered aloud if this would be the last time.

(This seems to be the time that all of the niceness leaves the surgeons and they begin to hard talk to you about whether or not we want this all to happen again or if they can just finish. I know because it happened yesterday and the last time I got traumatically biopsied in 2004, when I wanted them to stop too, but even more did not want it to happen again.)

It was not the last time, the third time did not hurt but the fourth time did. A lot. Imagine an insect inside of your flesh taking a big bite out of the inside of your very sensitive nipple. That is what it felt like. I was crying by then and felt all sweaty. Fred came in and comforted me and then I got dressed and left.

The surgeon said that her patients said that they thought the biopsy was more painful than surgery. I think that is only because you are awake for the biopsy and know what is happening and can feel pain. The after part was fine. Of course I am not touching the area at all, but I am not feeling anything. I took a few advil yesterday just in anticipation, but don't think I needed it. I think the surgeon just wants me to get surgery and that is why she said that. I am suspicious of her motives.

I am looking for a good surgeon and plastic surgeon and getting names from people, I don't want to question the motives or the skills of the person who will actually do the double mastectomy in January as I do the one I saw yesterday.

I was reading on a breast cancer discussion site about what the expander situation is like. It sounds pretty painful for many, so am a little nervous.

I should know the results of the biopsy by Friday or Monday at the latest.

Carmel

Fred and I would like to live in Carmel, at least as a vacation home, with our real home to be in Palo Alto, when we grow up.

We'd like a lovely cottage on the ocean with large windows facing the beach so we can watch the sun set. Those are about 2 million, so it might take a while. (The house in Palo Alto would be about 2 million as well, so it might take a great while! And of course you need a house to live in before you can buy a vacation home.)

We walked quickly down a side street as the sun quietly decided to dip into the ocean. The golden hour making the trees look a little more beautiful. "It wasn't supposed to set yet" I told Fred, even though he had predicted that it would set at exactly this second and I had wanted to stop at the small grocery store to buy some ginger ale to calm my stomach from my overdose of dark chocolate from the candy store. "It isn't set yet, you aren't supposed to look directly into the sun as it sets, you are supposed to wait until it goes down and the look at the colors of the sky it leaves behind" he said trying to console me. I wasn't in the mood to be consoled "Yes you are supposed to look directly at the sun until it sets, seeing it the whole time" I said.

We made it while there was a beautiful tall stretch of bright orange meeting the green blue of the ocean and a periwinkle blue sky overhead. As we watched the orange turn to yellow and the sky darken shade by shade, we sat on a halved wooden log and discussed lots of everything and nothing, important in its forgetableness.

Lovely weekend in Carmel, and back in time for the last day of the weekend (Sunday, we left on Thursday evening) so we can feel rested before the week begins.

I decided to have a biopsy of the suspicious area, either a fine needle biopsy (comfortable procedure) or a core needle biopsy (more painful and traumatizing, but at least I know what to expect and the lump is right next to the skin, so not a lot of really deep digging into the flesh of the breast) and will schedule in Monday, so that I can wait for the whole mastectomy crazy until the turn of the new year so I can save on the yearly minimum requirement of the insurance company. Otherwise the whole procedure will begin this year and end next year and I will have to pay a thousand or two for each year instead of just the one year.

Tears

I found out that the surgeon requested to me by a friend is "out of network".

Do you know what that means??

It means that, for example if the entire bill for all of the services (surgery, reconstruction) came to 10,000 dollars but the insurance company decided they would pay 5,000 for it (if you've ever looked at an insurance company's explanation of benefits that is not at all unlikely), I would have to pay the 20% of the covered part to the insurance company as well as the 5,000 dollar bill that would remain as unpaid by the insurance company and belong to me as the patient.

Can you believe that? And there is no way I would know how much that bill would be until the services were complete, so if something unexpected came up, my portion of the bill would rise and rise with no cap.

So, I guess surgeons like that are only for rich people, which I am not.

So, I continue my search for a surgeon and hope for things to move along quickly, as I am putting off the "starting to try to have kids time" until I now recover from the surgery.

Cancer Sucks

I got that embroidered in a nice script by a friend of my mom on a fitted pink v-neck t-shirt last week. It looks lovely and is probably surprising when it is read.
But it is so SO true!
I am not sure how much I've written about cancer in my blog. I do try not to think about it unless it is a current concern, which it has not been that much in the last 5 years. But it is becoming so now, so I am going to write.
I got cancer in 2004. I was about to turn 29, had a small lump, and an excisional biopsy (meaning they cut open and remove the lump as opposed to a core needle biopsy, where they put in a huge gigantic needle and extract an amount of tissue, or a fine needle biopsy, where they put in a smaller more comfortable needle and take a little amount of tissue) because the lump was hard to discern in an ultrasound, and the other two kinds of biopsies are performed with and guided by an ultrasound. After the removal of the lump, and the discovery that it was indeed cancer, the surgeon had to do another surgery to take a larger area and make sure it had negative margins (no cancer in it), and also to check the lymph nodes in my armpit area to see that the cancer had not spread. They thought there was no spread.
I had had a second opinion clinic of doctors before the surgery to determine whether I should get a lumpectomy (which just removes the lump and not the breast) or a mastectomy (which removes the whole breast). My take after that clinic was that a lumpectomy was good enough and with radiation, my likelyhood of getting cancer again was the same as any other woman.
Turns out that that is not true. The fatality rate might be the same but the recurrence rate is not the same at all.
I have 1% more likelyhood every year after I had breast cancer to get a recurrence. It caps off at about 25-35 percent. WOW. If I get a double mastectomy, my likelyhood of recurrence is less than 1%.
I watched "Why I wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy", wherein a 27 year old woman gets breast cancer and is advised by multiple doctors, some to get a lumpectomy and to keep what she can and others to have a mastectomy. One of the doctors in the movie said "Why hit it with a feather when you can hit it with a hammer." She decided to get the mastectomy, has two kids now and is doing fine.
I met a person in my bible study who got cancer at 28 and decided on a double mastectomy and reconstruction, she is happy with that decision and is doing well, about to have her second child.
I have been thinking about these things in the last few weeks and talking to people and doing a lot of reading on reconstruction techniques. After feeling like I was getting a punch in my stomach looking at online pictures of post mastectomy cancer survivors without reconstruction yet (two huge scars across a shrunken area which should have had breasts) and studying a lot of reconstructed breasts, I can say that I have thought a lot about it.
The last 5 years of my life have been yearly mammograms, (which show nothing because the breast tissue in young women is very dense), leading to an ultra-sound, (which always shows some things that are usually nothing and treated as such unless you have already had cancer and then they become maybe somethings ) and then MRI's (which show lots of stuff in everyone) which leads to a recommendation to have a nother MRI in 6 months to remind themselves of what they saw last time and whether anything has changed, and then to a biopsy to check out the suspicious area that they are just not sure about. All of which time I have lived in three different states and had to run my records to every new doctor I go to.
I was so hoping that when that "magic" 5 year mark happened, that my cancer doctor would do a quick check of me and say, all is well, move on and have kids and don't worry anymore.
Last June was that check up and none of that was said. My doctor felt something and requested that I get a mammogram and an ultra-sound. (Where had I heard that before????) After 2 1/2 weeks of agony and waiting I got the tests and the radiologist said that I am fine and should just come back in 6 months or 1 year (Where had I heard that before???) to make sure that nothing had changed.
This was when I realized that it is not just the 5 years after cancer. It is FOREVER. One test after another, one suspicious lump and feeling after another for the rest of my life. There is no "magic" time when worrying ends.
I also still feel that little lump, right in the same area as my previous lump, showing calcifications in the mammogram, that makes me worry.
I then decided to try another doctor, who gave me the statistics on recurrence mentioned above and to seriously think about double mastectomy with reconstruction. A little pain in the present, when I have no kids, or a job and can handle healing, versus a lifetime of suspicious crazyness in my breasts, who have already tried once to kill me.
I think I have thought about it! (It bugged me yesterday when the surgeon I consulted with talked very condescendingly about whether I had thought about it or not.)
I am going to try a consult with another surgeon, hopefully I can get to her this week, as well as see a plastic surgeon. I want it done and over!

Time Change

So, so tired, but if I am going to keep to my goal of writing every day, I can't skip today just because I'm tired.

Got home from Tennessee and Ohio just yesterday. Lovely, lovely trip. Saw my family, went to Target to take family pictures, (did you know Target did that, I didn't, very reasonable when I printed a coupon from online), enjoyed the international contest in Nashville, placed 12th, very respectable and 3 spots higher than last time, when we were 15th, went to the Country Music Hall of Fame.

Went to see a surgeon regarding my lump today. Very interesting. Everyone (the surgeon) is asking me whether or not I've thought enough about my decision about having a double mastectomy and reconstruction, because of course it can't be undone. duh.

What means thought enough about it? I've thought about it for about 3 weeks, how long do you need?

Thinking about getting the breast cancer gene test as well, I guess the insurance companies expect to pay for more, like ovary removal after pregnancy and more extensive surveillance if the gene is present, haven't decided though.

Must go to sleep!

Exercise #4 - Painful Experience

I have been writing the exercises from a book "Writer's Course" as I become a more experienced writer. I am up to Exercise #4. It is:
Think of some of the incidents, events, and experiences in your past that were painful to you, either physically, emotionally or both. Pick one, write it up from beginning to end, be as truthful and accurate as you can not reporting how you felt. Just the incident, step by step, as it happened to you. Prose.

It was the beginning of 2004, the year in which I was to turn 29. My husband and I had moved from Orlando back to Columbus Ohio. He had just finished at a school there for animation and special effects as I had been teaching middle school math. It had been about a year since I had seen a doctor. Nothing was ever wrong with me so I went for long periods of time sometimes, not seeing a doctor. I decided I should have a physical as well as a woman's exam. I called to make an appointment with my husband's family doctor. Everything was routine. He did the pap smear and the breast exam. He said he felt a lump on my right breast and that he wanted me to come in a week after my period was to finish to see if it was still there as things change in the breast in relation to your period.
I drove back a few weeks later and he said he still felt it and gave me a script for a mammogram and an ultra-sound. At only 28 years old, mammograms usually don't show much except dense breast tissue, hence the ultra-sound.
I went to Riverside Hospital and during the ultra sound, a radiologist was called in because the person doing the ultra-sound was confused about something. He came in and had his fingers on the area with the lump and was pressing as his other hand held the paddle looking for the lump on the screen. Everything looked different shades of grey to me. He said "I am feeling it, but I can't see it" a couple times. That it all blended in together.
The surgeon said it was probably nothing, but it would be good to remove it so I wouldn't worry about whether or not it was growing or be anxious over it. I went in for an excisional biopsy. My husband told me that the surgeon had brought out a lump of tissues and showed it to him and my mother-in-law (a cancer nurse) in the waiting room and told them that this was it and it was most likely nothing, but they would have it checked out and that I was fine.
I went home that night with a huge ace bandage wrapped around my chest, but not much pain or discomfort. I slept that night sitting half way up. The next morning (Saturday) we got a call from the Surgeon who said that it was cancer and that I needed to come back in to the hospital.
Things began to move in fast forward for the next 3 weeks or so. I needed a CAT Scan, PET Scan, MRI, Ultra-Sound guided biopsies in three locations to make sure everything else suspicious looking was okay. I went to a second opinion clinic where an all new doctor, surgeon and radiologist looked at all of my charts and information and gave me their opinions.
It was an option for me to get either a mastectomy or a lumpectomy. I got the impression that they thought that the lumpectomy was good enough so I went with that.
I went in for real surgery this time. They inserted dye into the breast so that it would hopefully go to the sentinel lymph node (where they think cancer would go first if it decided to spread to another part of the body. They can remove only that node if they can find it and avoid removing the other ones.) and then put me under and removed the area around where the lump had been as well as took 11 lymph nodes under my right arm.
As soon as I recovered from the surgery, I was to begin chemotherapy. My mother-in-law talked to the doctor about getting me a port (thing they put inside you in the upper chest area that they can insert a needle into and put the chemotherapy as well as take your blood from so that they can avoid using the veins in the arm. After having the lymph nodes removed from the right side, that arm should not be stuck with needles anymore as the lymph fluid is now somewhat restrained.) which they put in, another small surgery. The chemo was to take place once a month for four months. It would happen near a Monday and then I would have 4 weeks to recover until the next injections. I got pretty sick and ended up coming in every day for the week following the injection to get fluids intraveinously. I could hold almost no food or drink down for the week after the chemo.
After the second or third round of chemo my hair began to fall out. I followed some advice and had my hair cut short, from shoulder length to what I call mom length. A short layered cut. A few weeks later I could pull a thatch of my hair right out with no effort and it was time for me to follow some more advice. I went to a friend and she buzzed my head.
A few weeks earlier I had gone to a wig store to get a color match for a wig. It was to be a bob with bangs, similar to my hair before cancer. It was 250 dollars, which was a little expensive for us. My husband's brother and sister-in-law bought the wig for me and I had a very realistic wig.
After the chemo ended, I began radiation. I needed to drive to the hospital every weekday for 6 weeks. It was a quick appointment, taking about 10 minutes start to finish and there was a small car parking area right next to the door, so I did not need to use the big parking lot at the hospital.
One day I left my keys in the unlocked car with the car still running as I went in for my appointment. Afterwards as I wondered where my keys were, I realized that they were still in the car. One time I had a long discussion with my husband about a trip I wanted to take with my chorus and the next day completely forgot and began to have the same conversation all over again until he reminded me that we had already talked about it. Someone told me it was called "Chemo brain" when you become absent minded that way.
From that time, I have had yearly or 6 monthly appointments with cancer doctors, a new one every time we move. I have had MRI's because the tissue is still dense and ultra-sounds are somewhat inconclusive as well as another biopsy.
It has been 5 years. I have finished taking tamoxifen (a drug for cancer patients who have had estrogen positive cancer that reduces your chances of getting it again, but causes birth defects) and have waited almost 3 months to try to begin getting pregnant.
The last time I visited my doctor, she felt a lump, not sure if it was scar tissue, since it is in the same place as the cancer was, and requested a mammogram and ultra-sound. These were done and they say, come back in 6 months and we'll check again. Since then I have also brought all of my films from my initial cancer diagnosis for them to compare the new films to and they say see us again in 1 year.
I am switching doctors to a new one, this Friday. Maybe he can tell me something slightly more conclusive than see me again in a year. If the first cancer couldn't be seen on the ultra-sound, why would this one have to show up? Should I have had a mastectomy?

Cancer Sucks

I think this whole blogging thing is kind of weird. Firstly, is anybody ever going to read it? Secondly, do I want anybody to read it? Thirdly, how do I play the fence about how personal or not personal to get?
It is good because it makes me feel more accountable, like, even if my mom is the only one reading it, it is still important to write every day. Who knows, maybe my kid will want to read it someday. I feel like there is a lot in me that needs to come out and what better way to do it, than in a blog that will remain as long as I want it. I also type a lot faster than I write and feel that more will come out than if I were just writing in a journal.
Anyways, maybe I will talk about cancer today.
Cancer sucks. (Someday I will buy that Cancer Sucks t-shirt.)
I was watching the favorite dance of the first 5 seasons of so you think you can dance today. The favorite was the breast cancer dance. It made me cry. Seeing the strength to support from the husband figure, as well as the hopelessness of the cancer survivor at the same time reminded me a bit of me.
When I was told that I had breast cancer, I remember thinking, hmmmm, I am not worried about dying. I am still hearing the rest of what the doctor is saying. In all the stories I've heard, hearing that you have cancer makes time stop and the only thing you can think is that it is all over. Not so for me.
But the hopelessness is there. The feeling that no matter what any doctor says, something is now withing me that has taken over. That has more power than I do. That can come again at any time and end my life as I know it. Cancer is so hard to find. It can stealthily move within you and relocate to somewhere that it might be impossible to find.
After my treatments, radiation, chemotherapy, surgery, etc... I am still on surveillance. It is one of the hardest parts. Every year I have to go for a mammogram. In a young person, under 50, the tissue in the breast is very dense and mammograms don't show much. So, usually I then have to have an ultrasound to see things differently. Then, there are some suspicious things that the doctors "wouldn't worry about in someone who has not had cancer, but with you, we want to check out". And then I have a MRI, or a needle biopsy. It has happened a few times in the last 5 years, this whole rigamarole of one thing after another. Then the dread time waiting for the phone call that everything is alright and they want to check again in another 6 months or whatever it is.
I went to the doctor a few months ago. So intent on hearing that I'm okay. That the 5 years are up and now I can worry less. But, the doctor felt something, in the same place as the previous cancer had been. Then came the mammogram and the ultrasound. A stern word from the radiologist that I need to have all of my MRI films in one place so they can look at them and do comparisons. Something of a difficult task when you have lived in 3 states since the prognosis. After finally getting them all there, and waiting, and waiting, I called and found out that they are not worried, just come back in 6 months.
So much for that 5 year end of worrying point. It seems not to exist for me.
Here's hoping that the pregnancy doesn't spike my estrogen and cause another breast cancer. Whenever the pregnancy happens that is.

Life is definitely precious.
My saying after cancer was "You only live once".
We have to find out what we love and do that. I am loving blogging. It is maybe therapeutic?