Christian Experience

A friend and I have made an agreement to meet at the library on Wednesdays and Fridays at 1:00 to work on writing. It seemed to be a great impetus for me to be consistent in my blog and to write at least twice a week. As I am working on my goals for 2010 I am inserting a bit on my christian experience.
Our OAG (one another group, is the name of our small group weekly christian meetings) tonight will be delicious homemade pizza and the sharing of some of the members' christian experience. We are supposed to journal about our experience and then share it with the others in the group. As Fred and I are co-leaders and human nature is not to do homework, we may be the only ones sharing. Unfortunately I have lost the paper with the question prompts, so I will just recount my christian experience, as I remember it, with whatever important things I can think of now in there. (I'm not sure what it is in my nature that hates to prepare. I want to write in a chain of thought way without any outlining or mental exercise and then it feels like it is not work and is fun. As if what comes out should be good enough and I don't need to put thought into it. Maybe that is what has made me a medeocre writer and student and teacher.)

I became a christian at a very young age, so I don't feel that many of the new believer experiences I have sung about in hymns are true for me. I did not have a terrible life that I was delivered from. I was not overly sinful and miserable and then led to see the light and released from that sin. There are not multiple experiences that shame me that acted as chains about me and that God has set me free from. So, sometimes I feel like I have missed out on the "joy of my salvation" that a psalmist has asked God to "restore unto him".
My experience has always had God in it. As a 1 1/2 year old, who could barely talk, I would spend my time in the nursery with christian speaking filtered in through the speakers. In the grocery store I would say "Oh Lord Jesus" in a way that was me repeating, but sounded to passers by like I was swearing. They would give my mom angry looks and me looks of surprise.
As a young barely reader, I would sit next to my dad as the congregation was singing hymns and read them to myself, cherishing the experiences of the writers and thinking over what it means to be a christian. I would watch the bread and wine being passed and contemplate the fact that Jesus died for my sins and shed his blood and broke his body for me. Yet forgiveness didn't mean that much. As a 8 year old, what had I to be forgiven for? Shoplifting gum and candy with my friends, feeling angry with or talking back to or lying to my parents, procrastinating on homework. I am sure that I did confess for any of those things when they were brought to my attention by the Lord.
I read a book about that time called "Treasures of the Snow" about a few kids and their experience of salvation. The author had a small section devoted to a prayer that you could do if you didn't remember praying it before, asking Jesus for forgiveness of sins and devoting your life to Him. I thought in my head, lying on the couch, one leg thrown over the back, that I couldn't remember praying that exact same prayer, so I did. I felt cleaned inside and happy. Then I finished the book.
I don't think much changed in my life after that.
The Lord was always present to me. My dad would read bible stories to me from children's bibles or chapters in the big American Standard bible. He would teach me hymns and we would pray together before bed. The Lord would comfort me in the middle of the night if I awoke with bad dreams. He would answer my prayers. He was a constant friend for as long as I remember. He still is.
So my life has become a series of testimonies of God's work in my life. How he healed my bitterness towards my mom when I was praying on a bus in Chicago on my way home from work and I both cried and felt a big weight lift from my shoulders. How he answered my prayers for enough money to live on in college, as I faithfully followed him to church conferences that I could barely afford. He gave me other christian women to encourage me and help mature me in practical ways through my years of college roommate days. He comforted me when His gospel was rejected as I faithfully spoke to others. He comforted me when I was too afraid to speak and lost many opportunities. He gave me my husband-to-be far away in Ohio so that I could focus on God while in college in Chicago for 5 years. He was a constant companion as I shared with Him whatever that was in my life that I couldn't understand. He gave me great Christian leaders all though High School and College and after, full of wisdom, to help enrich my relationship with Him. He sustained me when I had cancer, giving me a comforting place to live, the wisdom of a cancer nurse for a mother-in-law, and family close by. He provided me with the most amazing hymn book, full of the wisdom and experience of christians over the generations. He provided me with His word and the consistent personality to read it faithfully. He has been present with me in the car driving to and from work, at school, praying for the strength and wisdom to be a good teacher, helping me speak to parents and principals and students with a wisdom that is His. He has never left me or forsaken me in any situation.
Over the years he has answered my prayers again and again and again, in such a way to leave me no doubt of his presence and love for me.
Even writing this my heart feels full and it is good to remind myself of this constant companion. Because it is so easy to get wrapped up in the now, on the earth, with the cares of the day and the anxiety of the times, and to miss out on who God is and how near He is. He is never pushy, yet is always faithful to sweetly remind me of Himself, to withdraw a little when I tell Him that I am not interested right now, and then to come close again whenever I even put a small thought in his direction.

New Year 4

Home and My Contribution to the World.

I just read over my last few New Year entitled entries and am so happy I wrote them. Sometimes you don't know what you are thinking until you write it down and then reread it to yourself. I just realized. That in itself is a good reason to have a blog. Alas, you can see that I am not writing every day. Should I change my goal to "not every day" or "a few times a week" or just keept it at every day and try to make myself do it. It is something I listed as being proud of. BUT I am not in that stage yet of my new year process and need to think on the last two of the eight items.

Home
what worked in 2009: We have a very small apartment with only one bedroom. When we moved here we decorated and have added a bit here and there, but now it is full. Not so much to say about it. I have a "sort of" cleaning schedule, Mondays, bathroom, Tuesdays, Kitchen, Wednesdays, Floor, Thursdays, Straightening. But I don't know if I've ever actually stuck to that schedule even for one week. I do keep things basically straightened.
I had an epiphany regarding dishes. We unfortunately don't have a dishwasher and as many couples, roommates know, dishes are a hassle. I decided with Fred that if we were both working, and I cooked, he would do the dishes. I am not working now but still thought Fred should be responsible for the dinner dishes. I guess I hate seeing a woman slaving over dinner and then having to do clean up too. It makes me mad and feel like the man is not respecting her efforts. Well, then, now I am not working and we had a discussion about our expectations. I decided that I could change my opinion if I wanted to. I could decide that Fred respects me and my cooking efforts, even if I do the dinner dishes (since I have had not worked all day as he has). So I changed my thoughts and now it doesn't bother me at all. Interesting. We don't have to be a slave to our long formed opinions, we can change them.
what sucked: Nothing sucked, the apartment is fine, so close to downtown and pleasant, I love it.
what I learned: That I can change my opinions and choose to be happy if I want to.
what I want to change : I can see that things will be crowded with a baby (whenever the baby wants to show up) so we may need to change apartments when that happens. But, unfortunately our income will go down and rents are expensive here. It would be great if we could all manage to smush in together in the apartment we already have. I can read books on space planning and learn to create storage etc..... we'll see.

My Contribution to the World
what worked in 2009: I'm not sure how I contribute exactly, or what it means to contribute. I don't give to charity, or volunteer (although I have been called about volunteering at the library and will start next week :) )(Just can't bear to leave off the end parenthesis even though the smiley face adds confusion.) I feel like being myself might be my contribution. Does that sound strange? I remember the people who cared for me in school or while I was in college. A good friend had me over to her house whenever I was lonely and gave me food (and once combed my head lice out) and let me do my laundry. Teachers have cared for me over the years, sometimes with smiles, or pats on the back, or believing in me. It is those things that I feel are my contribution to the world. I did it as a teacher, cared for my kids. I do it now, having friends over for lunch, or lending a listening ear, or contributing my comments to my women's bible study. I care for people, whenever I can.
what sucked: Not being able to teach anymore was sucked. Maybe in my future though, I will get to teach again. I was at the Mediterranean Grill last week and a member from the school board where I used to teach waved me over and talked to me for a minute. She asked me if I was teaching now and I told her no, that I've looked but not found anything yet. She told me that she heard from many parents that I had changed their kid's lives with my teaching and she hoped I would still continue to teach. It was heart warming.
what I learned: I don't think that a contribution needs to be huge or expensive or outward to be meaningful. To give of myself means a lot.
what I want to change: Nothing comes up.

I have been writing for about 1/2 hour and it seems that that is all my brain can take. I also have a headache today that makes me feel a little groggy. Is that an early sign of pregnancy????? We'll see in a few days I guess.

New Year (3)

Continuing in the reflection of 8 categories of life to lead to a plan for this coming year:

Health and Fitness:

What worked: I have been very proud of myself this year in this category. What began with a bookstore purchase of "8 Minutes in the Morning" was a fitness plan that evolved to my currently riding the stationary bicycle 4-5 times a week for 35 minutes, either 3 one hour or 5 30 minute walks a week (not including Fred and my weekend walks), my QiGong DVD twice a week, an upper body workout twice a week, and an abs workout or two sprinkled in. I am taking Wednesday off when I want to and putting all of that into Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. It is working out very well. I have struggled with my eating, as MANY earlier blogs chronicle, and have concluded that I am eating as healthy as possible, reasonable amounts, but have no expectations for quick weight loss. I have been between 150 and 160 for the last 11 years and it seems impossible to go below 150. At one point this last summer, I lost 5 pounds, but as soon as my carefullness lifted slightly I rose back up to my usual 155.

What Sucked: My realization that my weight will stay about the same seemingly irregardless of how much I exercise or how healthily I eat.

What I learned: That I need to continue in my healthy habits in the face of seeing almost no scale results. Just to be healthy is important. I can't decide that since I am not "seeing" the changes I want to see to scrap the eating habits, or the exercise habits. I have to trust that my insides are reaping the benefits of the diet and exercise and that my outsides may or may not change over time.

What I want to change: I'm pretty happy with what I'm doing now. Oatmeal with fruit for breakfast, vegetably things for lunch, a healthy homemade dinner. I'd like to be able to cook more variety of healthy things. I am very happy with Ellie Kreiger's Healthy Appetite show on the Food Network and would like to expand my healthy yummy food choices from the 3-4 regulars I now am making. Maybe try out 2 new healthy dinners a week to expand my repertoire! I also need to research what needs to be done for me to become pregnant. Maybe listening to some relaxation, fertility focused meditations and reading up on what I should be eating. I have heard from a few sources that I need to have some whole milk products as I am trying to get pregnant, and am adding that to my diet a little bit.

Financial

What worked: We went to "Financial Peace University" class at our church and learned so much. We use cash now instead of credit cards for our regular purchases. We have focused on paying off our debts and have cut a big chunk out of Fred's school loans. We plan to sell our car and purchase our next one with cash instead of financing it and have a good 6-9 months savings in the bank. :)

What Sucked: Not being able to teach this year to continue the debt paying off.

What I learned: I learned that using credit cards hurts your brain a lot less than using cash and even though they give you a small percentage back, studies show that the percentage you spend increases a lot more significantly. That when you earmark money for specific purposes and categorize it, you are free to spend within those limits and you don't feel guilty for every purchase made. The more debts you pay off the more money will be in your pocket from every paycheck and you shouldn't buy into the myth that every one is in debt for everything and that is just the way things are in middle class America.

What I want to change: We seem to be on track here. No changes necessary.

New Year (2)

Yesterday continued:

Career/Business:

What worked: I am so proud of myself regarding my handling of last year's "situation" with not getting tenured. I reacted to the principal very graciously all year, at every unreasonable nitpicky observation meeting, every fear-filled dropping in my classroom with mean face and comments. But at the end of the year when the (unnecessary because of letting me go) time for her to evaluate me came, I asked to speak to the superintendent instead of accepting the evaluation. I was able to write out all of my experiences in a 5 page single spaced report and then read it to the HR superintendent as well as the union representative. It was freeing and gave me closure and helped me end out my two years teaching there on a note that I felt in control of.

Unfortunately the jobs I applied for did not give me the positions and I have spent the rest of the year unemployed. I miss the kids and the work.

I have been reevaluating though and might go back to get my masters in library science so that I have more options, like being a librarian in a school or a library.

What sucked: Being let go was so hard. I was watching the firing clips on the movie Up in the Air and sympathized with the employees. I had felt all of those emotions. How hard I worked, unrecognized, How I could have improved, unsaid, The feelings of my students and co-teachers, unacknowledged. I had to pray a lot and am still getting over the pain of the situation. It was hard looking for work and not even getting to the interview process for any of the positions.

What I learned: It is possible to have a principal who doesn't like me. (This was my first out of 6.) I need to watch my words and who I am speaking them in front of. This was my first year where politics was an issue and I learned everything the hardest way. I learned to stand up for myself when it is necessary and how to handle gracefully and prayerfully situations that are unfair. I learned how to fill my days when they seem empty.

What I want to change: I need to be a bit more proactive, figure out what I want to do and then start learning that thing. Try to keep time from passing me by and make more long term and short term goals so that I can be more productive.

Personal Growth and Development:

What Worked: I started a blog to begin writing and thinking through things. I've challenged myself a little with my entries and read a few books on writing. I've enjoyed singing in my chorus and have stretched myself a little to become more involved, and competed in the international contest for the first time. I fought with the decision to remove my breasts, but after research decided to keep them and work on baby making as previously planned. I am a good listener and friend. A lot of that is based on my research on how to care for kids as a teacher.

What sucked: I am having a problem with consistency, with the blog, with my daily schedule, with my state of mind. This may be normal for the unemployed, a new state for me. I didn't challenge myself enough to do more.

What I learned: To get anything done I need to set long term and short term goals. I love having them to accomplish, but I procrastinate in their creation.

What I want to change: I need to decide what I'd like to accomplish and set goals to get it done. Maybe a weekly time to assess and create. One thing from Stephen Covey that I remember is the example with the big rocks. If you take a big glass and fill it with small rocks or water it will be full and then nothing important can fit it. If you put in the big rocks first and then the small stones and sand and water last the big rocks fit in. I have to decide what I want to accomplish and do those things first, because without the thought, when you look back nothing happened and you wonder where the time went.

Fred and I started a "Learn Chinese in 30 days" book and CD last night. We did lesson one. He would love if I learned Chinese with him so our kids could learn a second language as well. Hmm.

New Year

I attended a short life coaching session with a member of a chorus from Canada, who visited our chorus to help us out with our mental game a while back and now am a member of her newsletter e-mailing. (She was the one who suggested that I blog since I want to be a writer when I grow up and all.)

Here is the beginning of her, what to do with the new year piece of her newsletter.

1 COMPLETE /

Completion of the year that has passed is important for being able to move forward unencumbered into a bright and joyful new year. In order to complete, we first need to reflect and remember.

I like to look at 8 areas of my life in this process: Relationships (Family, Friends, Love), Recreational Activities (aka Fun!), Career/Business, Personal growth and development, health and fitness, Financial, Home, My contribution to the world.

I grab a piece of paper and make 4 columns - what worked in 2009, what sucked, what I learned, what I want to change - sit down with a strong cuppa java, good tunes playing, and let my mind go. There is something about the simple acknowledgment of "what was" that is incredibly freeing.

When you are finished your lists, read them over, and reflect. Take time to fully acknowledge and celebrate your "Woo Hoo!" moments. Take time to fully acknowledge and feel your disappointments or losses. Sit with your lists for as long as you need to. And then say goodbye to them and move on to creating your 2010.

I'm going to do that here since I type faster than I write and why not, I am becoming so lax in my blog upkeep and would like to change that.

Relationships:

What worked: Fred and I have been in a church community and have made some friends there, I enjoy my chorus as usual and my women's bible study. I have new friends in Amy, Tiffany, and a new more frequent group of friends in my Tuesday Daytimers Chorus group. Lunch on Tuesdays with chorus is great. Lunch with Tiffany is great. Walking with Amy is lovely and exercise at the same time.

I have spent a lot of time with family, seeing them for a week in June, October and then December.

Fred and I get along very well, it is nice to see him for a few minutes in the morning and we love our weekends and evenings together.

What sucked: So many kids and teachers had to be said goodbye to as I left Graham Middle School in June. I had so hoped to see the 6th graders I had the previous year graduate this year and to have so many say hi to me and hug me in the halls as I keep up with all of their lives and concerns. It has been hard to keep up with the teachers I was friends with as so much of friendship is proximity, so I miss them too. It has been a little lonely without the kids as well, staying at home as I have since June.

What I learned: I need people, not sure if I am a "people person" hmmmm, but I need to see people and have walks during the day or go hang out at the library. I have always thought of myself as task oriented instead of people oriented, but it must not be true, I realize the reason I taught was to be with kids, to feel important to them and show them that I care about them and it is important to me. So, I am much happier the days that I have some people plans.

What I want to change: I need something meaningful to do with my life. I have signed up to volunteer at the library, which should add a few days of people time and maybe I will see some of my previous students there as they stop by after school.

Recreational Activities:

What worked: I read a lot of books, especially non-fiction, that made me think about stuff and gave me interesting things to say (Outliers, Mindset, Mindless Eating, Healthy Skeptic, books on how to become a writer and some other books I don't remember). Fred and I have gone on a few nice short trips that were fun. I started this blog, which, when I kept up with it daily, was a good goal and made me think too. The international contest with my chorus in Tennessee was exciting.

What sucked: I watched too much tv, which didn't give me as much to talk about. I had a lot of free time and not enough goals. I would like Fred and I to have more outdoorsy stuff that we like to do together.

What I learned: I like setting goals and accomplishing them, whether it was practicing our songs and my face for our international contest, or reading through books on how to write and setting a goal for how much I would read every day. Outdoor recreation is more fulfilling than indoor (television).

What I'd like to change: I'd like a walking partner for every day, both for the relationship and the accountability. I'd like to take either a yoga class or a water aerobics or something that is challenging and regular and with people.

I'll keep going tomorrow.