Crappy Cancer

So I had a lovely (if you call lots of heartfelt tears lovely) time at the Breast Cancer Connection's Conference today. Interesting speeches and talks with other survivors. I thought a lot about my decision and during a session called "writing your way through cancer", this is what I wrote:

The questioning and wondering and pit of my stomach feeling as I consider the pros and cons of my potential upcoming double mastectomy and reconstruction. Purely for proactive reasons. Technically I'm fine now, right?

Whatever fine really is anyway.

How much do the percentages really mean? 25% - 35% chance of a recurrence over the course of my lifetime. I think about the same fatality rate though, double mastectomy versus the lumpectomy and radiated breast I already have because of the high surveillance that is in place.

How to weigh the pain, recovery, length of time for healing, putting off even longer of pregnancy versus the never ending train of MRIs, Mammograms, Ultra Sounds, painful biopsies and the never ending waiting for calls with results.

Why is the decision all mine?

Can't someone help me weigh?

It feels like a lot of responsibility.