What is my purpose in the blog? What does it accomplish? Who is out there reading it?
So, if the purpose is to write because I like to write about stuff and then like to look back later to see how I eloquently and artistically put my thoughts and frustrations, can't that be enough. Sometimes you don't know what you think until you write it. Kind of a log of sorts detailing a period of time. Certainly more convenient than a journal that you have to physically write in. That takes forever and gives me finger cramps and my thoughts are so much faster than my ability to handwrite. I always feel like I am missing lots of things while I wait for my hands to finish up my last sentence. Then I worry about the handwriting and how it started out neat at the beginning of the new journal and now looks like chicken scratches and how will I be able to read it anyways in a year or two, provided that I keep the journal and don't get rid of it as clutter.
So, over the last 5 months what has happened:
I got pregnant. April 29 was the first day of my last period. I was hoping as you know and working on the get pregnant thing for about 7 months and was waiting for that period to start at the end of May. And then it didn't. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. A few days later I took it again and there was a faint second pink line. I called my mom immediately (after waking up Fred to tell him) and then a week or so later I told my father in law, while he was in the car with his parents and my mother in law. He was so excited. Grandma kept asking if I was sure. I think back a few decades ago no one was really sure until the 3rd month. hmmmmm.
I bought every book. The baby book, the illustrated day by day guide to pregnancy, the month by month guide and the week by week guide. I kept up with all of them. People would say, don't read everything, you might get overloaded with information, just use them as references. Crazy, I thought. Read them all cover to cover but not too far ahead so that I don't expect things that aren't happening yet. I adjusted my exercise a little but was still faithfully doing aerobic activities and QiGong and long walks. The baby was going to be here February 3ish. I was telling people the beginning of February so that when things didn't happen on the date I wouldn't get tons of phone calls asking if it'd happened yet.
I had scheduled a doctor's appointment for Thursday, after Fred and I took an anniversary trip to Carmel. Lots of dreams and thoughts and baby lookings around. Rescheduling our holiday not to visit home because I'd be 8 months pregnant in December and couldn't travel.
At the doct0r's appointment, I told them I was 9 weeks pregnant and they looked at their little chart and verified that it was true. (I did learn something from all of those books.) When the doctor put the wand inside to get an ultrasound picture, there was a little grey blobby thing, sort of a fuzzy version of what an earlier week should look like. The doctor started saying, "oh friend" in a sad way and I asked, "did I have a missed miscarriage?" (I had read the books.) and he said yes. The blobby thing had stopped developing at week 5 and nothing was happening. No fluttery heartbeat, no little movements. It was dead.
He had the other doctor come in and look and they both agreed. Then he gave us some suggestions. I could take a pill and then another one and it would cause the body to push out the baby (we called it the little blueberry, before Thursday) within the next 24-48 hours, or I could take one of the pills and come back a little later in the day and he could do a D&C, which means scrape/suck out the baby. It would be better because I wouldn't have to deal with the bloody gushing on my own over the toilet (I read the books.) and then it would be over and they could test the baby for chromosomal stuff. Basically if there was something wrong with the baby that would be good, it is common that when a fetus has a big problem that the body rejects it. If there was nothing wrong then maybe it was my body's fault. But of course if it was my body's fault I expect that it will happen over and over and over again. As it has to a few of my friends.
So, no baby anymore, and lots of changed plans and differing plans and adjusted dreams. I hate when the plans all change. Now what?
So, I'm looking for a teaching job again. I do miss kids so much and miss their effect on me, and my effect on them. They make me happy and I make them happy. That has to be good right? Even if I got pregnant again really soon the baby wouldn't be due until after the end of the school year so why not?
I've applied to one job that I have high hopes for, in a k-8 school about 9 miles from me. I'm praying about it. When I emailed the contact person today she said that the principal is paper sorting through the applicants and that the position hasn't been fulfilled yet. I'll know it all in the next week or so as school starts for teachers the following week. I look really good on paper and I also interview well, so my hopes are up, but no call yet.
I missed writing. My fingertips are getting numb and my fingernails are clacking on the keys and I guess this is enough for now.
